I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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