Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Let's get the cat blown out
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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