you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
