You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
