worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
