Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
