My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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