I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
