My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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