I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
