i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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