Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
