Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
