You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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