he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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