I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
