He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
