you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
