saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
