'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
