Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
