The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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