god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
