I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
