You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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