margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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