i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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