You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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