so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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