I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
