It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
