I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
