Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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