I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
