I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
