i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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