I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Someone came in the potted fern
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
