A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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