Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
