I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
