Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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