I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
