i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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