No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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