Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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