At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
