her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
