No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like heaven, but drunker
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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