Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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