Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
