Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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