I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
