Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
