your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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