So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
