just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
